January 29th... the day our lives changed forever..

(still 13 dpo)

It was a Saturday morning.  We decided I should test.  I knew it would be negative and was terrified to crush my last day of hope.  But for some reason, I caved (totally unlike my last few cycles, I waited it out to bleed).  And there is was.  the slightest line you could ever imagine.  Kerri called up the stairs, asking how it went, not expecting anything positive and I said.. 'um... well... can you come here'.  Which totally blew because then she thought I was surprising her with this beautiful positive and when she got up there i handed her an essentially negative test and said DO YOU SEE IT?!! I dragged her through the house, from natural light (the window in the upstairs hall) to the bathroom, to the bedroom and finally she said.. "well there is something.. but..."

And we went on with our day.  We didn't talk about our line that wasn't there... I just grinned like mad and told her I would test again in the morning...

waiting..

13dpo.  Not feeling too hot..

What normally happens before my period but I totally took as signs I was pregnant, anyhow..
My boobs were sore and swollen
I had a headache


Things that were totally new..
My nails wouldn't stop growing
I was super constipated (ahem.. along with other issues..)
I was dizzy.  Like oh my god, look out, she's going down.  Dizzy.

That is when I figured something was up.. I couldn't sit in my swivel office chair for fear I would pass out, the motion made me so light headed.  I had to walk down the stairs with one hand on the wall and the other on the rail, knowing one fast glance, and I was toast.

But I digress...

For future sake... this info deserves a post.

Things I did differently...
stopped drinking all caffeine
stopped drinking beer
started drinking a small glass of fresh pineapple juice every morning
ate oysters the day of my second IUI

I'll have Kerri fill in the rest... I can't remember

And the surge..

happened January 15th.  We drove into Boston, with Grace - K was so excited she taped the whole thing.. I would post it but lord knows I don't like looking at videos of myself so.. you'll just have to take my word for it.  The next day, Jan 16th, we went back in for a second IUI.  We came home, watched the patriots lose terribly, and I drank what I hoped would be my last beer..

And we waited... 7 days passed.. nothing...

And we waited... 5 days passed... symptoms?  Who knows..

January 30th?! Are you kidding me?!

I suck. arghh... and now to catch up on the last month... where did I leave off..

(to make a long story short - we have a lot of catching up to do..)

I got the tank, got inseminated, came home, K tried back-to-back ICI's, I did an ICI the next day all of which resulted in zero babies.  Which resulted in a mini (maybe major) Jean breakdown.  It was scary.
I didn't stop crying for about 5 days.  I went to work and sobbed in my office, I sobbed in the shower, in the car, watching tv... it became my new norm.  K was nervous, my sister A was nervous... I was nervous.. it was a scary time.  I have never felt so low in my life.  We couldn't really afford to keep going, I was breaking down.. things were falling apart.  I was falling apart.

And then the phone rang.  My sister, A, was crying.. she was devastated the process was taking so much out of us and felt helpless.. she wanted to do something, anything to help.  And as an early birthday present, she bought 2 vials for my next cycle.  The money was coming from our grandfathers retirement account and K and I figured if any cycle might work, it might as well be this one.  So we bought the 2 vials and waited for my surge.

Things were looking up.

With vials for one.more.cycle.  We decided we would begin the adoption process.  we always said we wanted to adopt, we just figured we would do it after we both satisfied our biological needs and seeing as that wasn't going as quickly or as easily as we had expected, and adoption takes a year or so, we figured there was no harm in starting the process and if if we did get knocked up (praise god) we would put the adoption process on hold.  So, we submitted our paperwork and things started to look up.  We went to a meeting, talked a lot about the type of child we would like to welcome into our lives and began to regroup...

Things were looking up.

My oh my..where has the time gone

Last I left off I... well.. I don't know where I last left off.  Be right back..  HOLY COW!!! December 9th?!  Well grab a cup o'joe and settle in for a few updates.

Well, clearly I FAILED at my daily December posts and I am none to shy to admit it that it is because I was seared.  The questions were INTENSE!!  But, I deserve some credit because I THOUGHT about them.  Well, some of them.  So in my head, I know the answers.

So that early December cycle was a big fat bust.  No preggo, Jean-o.  The next cycle happened about 2 weeks later (the good thing about fertility problems is the next try is always right around the corner.  The bad thing about fertility problems is the next try is right around the corner.  You've barely gotten up off the floor, from crying your eyes out and BAM it's time to go again).  The next cycle, somewhere around mid-December, I could look at my calender but I am lazy.. we decided to try together!  YAY!!  That entailed purchasing more sperm.  mmmmm... sperm. 

We ended up buying 3 ICI vials and 1 IUI vial.  Welp, we were so late in deciding if K was actually going to try that cycle that we had a bit of a sperm snafu.   The morning the sperm was due to be delivered,  I got a positive OPK.  AHHHH!!!  So I called my doctor who said 'I am only in a half day, get here (as in one hour away) NOW.  AWESOME. 

I sheepishly told him the goods were en route and he said '(sigh) call me back when you have their eta.'  Commence sperm chase down.  I called Fed Ex (always awkward - I mean I am calling about sperm..)  and told them to 'hold the tank'!! I a-coming!! But was told they weren't really sure where it was and probably was heading to Raynham.  ugg.. nothing like loosing your sperm to make a girl cranky.  I called Raynham told them and repeated my frantic cry "HOLD THE TANK I AM ON MY WAY".  Hopped in the shower, grabbed Grace and hit the highway.  And wouldn't you know, I got there early!! With nothing but time to kill, I passed it and drive for a bit to find gas so I wouldn't have to make anymore stops until Boston.  Smooth sailing for here on!  I even lingered long enough to buy a lottery ticket, who knows.. maybe today is our lucky day?

THAT is when the phone rang.  The truck was early and the woman FORGOT to pull the tank and it was on it's way to my house.  What I wanted to say is "HOW THE HELL DID YOU FORGET A FRANTIC CONVERSATION WE HAD 20 MIN AGO??!!!"  But what I said is " totally understandable, these things happen' to which point she started to explain what happened.  UG.  Lady, come on!! I got the drivers cell number and told him I would meet him.. in the shaws parking lot.

oh my.

we exchanged the goods and I was on my way.  Finally.

to be continued.

The good, the bad, the best, and the (not-so)ugly.

Today is officially day 29 of my cycle and although I am never late, I am officially 1.5 days late.  Not that I think this 'means' anything... I think my cycle is a bit messed up from the clomid.  I have some catching up to do...

The Bad... (I know this isn't in order.. I am taking artistic liberties)
I took the clomid, I had a pain, the pain persisted, I went to the Dr.  She told me my ovary was swollen and (gasp!) I probably had cysts and I would have to take the next cycle off.  I went for an ultrasound and found there is nothing wrong, a bit of fluid.
The Good
Not only do I not have to take the next cycle off, for pesky fluid but I was also able to catch a rare glimpse of my uterus!! YEA!!!  Why is this such a big deal?  Well...
The (not-so) Ugly
A few years ago I had a late miscarriage and was informed, hours after I was told 'there is no heartbeat', that I had a 'heart-shaped' uterus and it should never affect my chances of getting or staying pregnant.  Unfortunately, I was in no shape to ask questions at the time. I was a blubbering mess, positive the doctor was just telling me this news to file it away and in fact it was much worse than he was letting on. Fast forward to now... we are trying to get pregnant and I have, of course, conducted countless hours of on-line research and found this condition, a bi-cornate uterus, is actually pretty significant.  It causes a substantial increase in miscarriages and if you can stay pregnant, you almost always have to have a c-section.  So of course the notion of a screwed up uterus and a higher than normal chance of having another miscarriage has been resting on my shoulders like Dodge Ram.  It wasn't anything I could shake and I was overly concerned that when I DID get knocked up, I would spend the first few months freaking out that my 'condition' was super bad... because WHO get's to see their uterus, like ever?!  I would have to wait until my first ultrasound to see the damaged goods for myself.. and perhaps by then, it would be too late.  but I did!!!  I saw it!!!! and it is 'perfect'!!! My ultrasound tech said is might be ever so slightly heart shaped and with all the tiny eggs just waiting in both ovaries, I should have NO problems getting pregnant!!!

Phew - are you caught up?

So while I am 99% certain this cycle didn't work I am A-OK with it!! Because it gave me the opportunity to look inside and assure myself I am ok.. something no one else could have done.  I needed to see it for myself.  No Turkey Jerky here!!

The Best
I have an amazingly good feeling about this next cycle.  I think perhaps my concern was prohibiting me from getting pregnant.  I know I should be sad I am out this month but my heart is go darned happy to know I am ok, there is no room for sadness.